seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need to calm my uterus...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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