U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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