I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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