I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
