Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
