I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
