i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize