I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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