Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
