508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
