Kiss
Puke
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
