dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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