i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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