we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize