Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize