I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
