Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
