She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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