woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
