All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Randomize
