It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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