Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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