Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just wanna soil my oats bro
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm passing your future prison.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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