I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
