before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
