My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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