I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
