There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i've created a new STD.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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