Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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