I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
