My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
