youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
