It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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