if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
