So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
