I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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