I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
