Duck Duck Cougar?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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