glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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