I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
