My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
