I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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