The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
