She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
