i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
