Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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