Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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