after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
