Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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