And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize