I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
