I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
