its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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