someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
