Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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