Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
