Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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