she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
