Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
