I cannot find my penis.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
